He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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