Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
