I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
