new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
