Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
