I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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