We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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