Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
