my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
