Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
