Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
