It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
