You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
