Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
