My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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