I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
