That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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