Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
