Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
