I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
