There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
