Where did you get a picture of my penis
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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