I'm lost and stupid without you.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
