She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
