im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
