I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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