OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
