Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize