The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
