a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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