guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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