You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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