I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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