i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
