fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
