He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
