Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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