woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
