im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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