sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
