I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
