DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize