You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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