you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
