Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My vagina just clenched in fear
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
