I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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