You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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