I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
