What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
