$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
