he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
