I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
