I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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