why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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