My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
