so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
