Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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