I have demons in me.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
