I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
