I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
